When all you see a darkness, and hears echoes of horrifying shriek, your mind is at a highest point to culminate vulnerability. The brain becomes house of dreadful horror, with thousands of atrocious thoughts of brutality, barbarity and heinousness. Even the sound of your own heart beat inflict the terror and viciousness.
Suddenly I find two hand rising from the hell and red eyes with burning flames, it seems devil himself crawl from beneath the earth and came to me. I could feel his hand lusting for my flesh, even I could read his thought which wants to tore apart, not just my body but also my soul.
They say chastity is the greatest virtue. The purity of the soul depends on the action we do. But what if somebody steal your greatest virtue and make you something, which you haven’t dream in your worst nightmare. The brutal hand march towards me with ferocious force. The first touch cause me a burning sensation of pain and horror. I screamed as loud as possible, but soon comforted by an Angelic voice.
“Dhamini, Dhamini wake up! It was just another nightmare sweetheart” Sameer said in the most consoling tone.
“I am all right Sameer. Can you pass on glass of water for me” my words come with fainting voice.
My bed seem wet, and skin moist. It was my sweat and tears, I just had another episode of horrific nightmare. From last four year, my life seem total hell. We all go through some tragic phrase in our life. But somehow after a point these memory evanesces and we learn to cope up and move on. But what if these memory spring to your mind everyday, and you have to re-live the devastating-apocalyptic incident each day. My tears have dried long ago but the pain remains the same. Every episode take me back to the hell and slams me the flames. I even tried to freeze my emotions acted to be strong. But nothing ease my pain.
I was again praying to God or rather cursing him for the torment I was going through. ‘Why I have to bear all this? From my childhood, I pray to you, I have faith in you. I always tried to walk in the holy path, even then you blessed me with this lifelong curse.
“Dhamini sweetheart don’t worry tomorrow we will go to the Doctor” Sameer said. It seems God trying to console me by his words.
“Yes of cause and don’t worry darling, I am alright” I said with firmness.
The Doctor says its post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD) a psychological disorder which develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events. I believe the Doc is right but deep down under I think it not PTSP or any psychological disorder but the scar of my soul.
It’s not just the atrocious incident which intrude pain. But even the society and the people around us are equal culprit. In India there is no distinguish between the rape victim and those who commit this atrocious disgustful crime.
For the society, rape victim and the offender are almost same. They are blind to the tears of the innocence eyes. Each time you go out of the four walls and the luxury of your house, some eyes and words are ready to barrage or pierce your self-esteem. These words go beyond the flesh and strike straight to the soul. The soul which already have a huge scar. And it doesn’t stop there, it further pierce it, turning the scar into wound, making it even bigger.
Yes it’s the irony and double standard of Indian society which blames the girl, no matter what’s the circumstances.
“She was wearing jeans”
“Her T-Shirt must provoke them”
“Decency is not in travelling so late”
These and other thousands of such statement that are bombarded upon me each day. Just not the words, even the eyes which pokes you at each second is worse than those unbearable words. These were the last thoughts, which run through my mind before I fall asleep with still a mark of dried tear rolling down my left cheek.
“Dhamini wake up, wake up Dhamini, It’s already morning” a shrill feminist voice pierced my ears.
I was amazed to hear Suzie’s voice. Even wondered what my sister doing in my room. I slowly open up my eye only to find another very strange look. I could see the walls of my room turned into bright yellow from dull grey. More than strange it was rather nostalgic.
I slowly turn my head to explore the room for some more detail. When I see an un-imaginable sight. I could see a dreaming innocent face sleeping with heavenly calmness. The face clearly depicts its peacefulness and serenity.
And it was none other than me. I was stunned for a moment and then jump off from the bed and screamed with all the air in my lungs. My scream wake her up or rather it would be grammatical correct to say wake me up. She slowly stretch her up, make her muscle move and then liftup the pillow and throw toward the door where Suzie was standing. All sudden the whole bed turned into a wresting ring and an amusing pillow fight took place. The innocence and the beauty of the two radiating the room, engulfing with a magical aura and magnificent halo.
In the mean time I realized that none of them had noticed me, nor I am audible to them. I am just an intangible entity like a ghost. I thought it to be just a dream. But I never knew dream can be so blissfully real. Tardily I was moving in the room freewheelingly and care freely, enjoying the moment at its best. Certainly over these years I almost forget that once I use to be like this. This sight remind me of the glorious past and sunny days that hypnotise me to believe World is Good place.
I was still in the bliss to think this as one of the very few good dreams, I had over these years. When suddenly my eyes struck to the calendar. It was December 16, 2010. I cannot forget this particular date even in my dream. This is the same day, which turn my world up-side down and devastated it completely.
I realise this is not a mere dream but rather a second chance which I always begged from God. I always kept my faith alive but never truly belief in any such miracle or superstition. But certainly I was wrong, I underestimated his power, his holiness and glory. He is great and his power are limitless. No one can match his glory. He can do anything far more than we can imagine.
I have moved back in Time. Or rather my consciousness had travelled back to the same very day my life and lives of the people around me changed forever. I know Almighty had given me an opportunity to mould my past and change the course of time, so the future have favourable outcome. As future is mere subjective of the actions and choice we make in our past.
I noticed that no one could hear me or see me. I could not even move things, it was just my consciousness which was present in that time loop. Yet I could influence or rather interfere with my past self’s consciousness and influence its decision making ability. I got the first glimpse in the morning when my scream resulted in waking me up. I again tested my intuition while picking up the dress. I followed my self-image to the every possible step. It was bit awkward and at the same time amusing. Seeing yourself, hearing your own voice, glancing through your own eyes, it feels so familiar yet so strange, two same soul looking at each other yet the mere body unaware of anything.
Collage was the destination my ego compel me to follow. The day passed smoothly seeing some familiar companion, some so called “friends”. Yet deep inside, I was visualizing the satire. These so called “friend” seems more of a west wind. Today they are laughing with me, being part of my joy, promising to be same forever though I know after couple of days they will fail to recognise me.
Some might ever come to me with imposter smile and sympathetic words indulging in diplomacy and hypocrisy. But at my back, they are one who initiates the gossip and certainly are the leaders. Though I never wish any sympathy from anyone, but my heart aches for the friendship, which I use to share prior to that incident.
I also recognise some real friends who was there all the time and gave there self-less, unconditional love and support. Yet my rudeness and coldness made them offended and they depart gradually. I wish, I could thank them, and could tell them that I truly value their presence, but in the battle with my own nightmare, I lost the courtesy and mannerism. I become cold or rather it’s correct to say, it was my defence mechanism that made me strong, which enable me to bear me this pain.
I was dragged into nostalgic smoke of thoughts when a loud giggle broke my self-absorption and contemplation thoughts. The giggle was from my ego, my self-image. I felt proud, to have such a sweet laugh, yet fears that it might not be with me for a long. I decided to gather courage and rather not lament, but to be like a shield and protect that smile of mine.
The collage dismissed which followed by a 15minute walk to the bus stand. I saw a car and certainly remember every little detail which faded away in the sand of time, its chase and stopped in front of us.
“Hey Dhamini” a devilish voice greeted. It was Ronny, my senior. I could see the devil in him, though I believe devil would have been gentler than this man. I could smell the tobacco straight from his car. And remembered the first golden rule of my collage, i.e. never say No to your senior, which compel me to follow his persuasion and entangled to his plot.
“Hello Sir” the innocent voice from my past-self greeted too.
“Would you mind, if I ask you to ride in” he said.
I was begging to myself not to enter his car, and just deny any offer, and if possible run away.
“No Sir, I am all right. I don’t want to bother you.”
In reply, he further said something but I couldn’t hear it. The vague voice suddenly over power by the synchronisation of two souls through one body. My consciousness heard what I was telling her. She even felt what I was feeling.
The casual step changed into serious stride. The sense of urgency indulge in the bones. She is no more looking at the person as a flirty seniors. But the devil unleashed from hell.
I scream loudly and so does my body “you devil, I know what’s on your mind. Go away or you will see heavens fury.”
I spit out these words and fainted. Only to wake up in my sister arm in the comfort of my room. I wonder what I am still doing here, being a shadow image is no more amusing but rather intimating. I could see my younger self still in semi-conscious state but recovering gradually.
“Hey Dee, are you alight?” Suzie asked with caution.
“Yes I am, but what had happened to me” my past-self enquired.
“Well you were talking to someone and suddenly fell in the ground, the crowd saw you and even Sameer was among them. He called me and brought you back” Suzie answered patiently.
“Well did he kissed me like Snow white to bring back my consciousness” I could spot on the winking smile on my past-self face. It was amusing and unexpected to hear something like this from her.
“Wow, I can’t believe what you just said!” Suzie said excitingly and continued after a slight pause “you know I always wanted to tell you this, but never got enough courage to do so. Every time I am with Sameer and we talk about you, I can see a glimpse of spark in his eyes. I think he sort of likes you.”
I remembered back then, Sameer was not very close to me but he use to give tuition to my sister, it was that dreadful incident that made us close. His unconditional love which was beneath the surface of the hard shell, poke up and became apparent.
“I know dear, he is indeed a very good person” I could see a sense of proudness in my past-self while saying it. I realised that the synchronization which took place between our two souls of two different time loop must have imprinted marks of my memory and consciousness or rather arose the flames of love. As a result my younger self started to fall for Sameer.
“Then why you cling to Anish, why did you promise to marry him, why did you engage to him?” my sister asked bluntly. The shrill voice of my sister compel me to think. I could see, even my past-self was confuse by the eagerness in my sister’s eyes.
Suzie again start to speak with zit of anger “Is it the money, is it about the green card, or is it our parents. Just tell me, what the reason?
I couldn’t take it any longer. A small drop of tear slide over my left cheek. But contradict to my tear, my past-self had a smile on her face.
“Hey calm down Sis, Sameer is a great guy, kind indeed, a jewel by nature and divine from its core. So obviously any person would fall for him. If something is good, worthy and prestigious then definitely people will appreciate it. So do I. But it doesn’t mean that I love him. Yes today after that incident, I have a soft corner for him, but it’s just because of the respect and admiration, not love. I love Anish, he is a great person. He would never leave me, even in my worst. Marrying him would be one of mine greatest decision and most probably most joyous.” My younger self explained very calmly.
“I don’t know what you have in your heart, but I am very sure Sameer do loves you. And if someday you need him, he will be always there” Suzie said and left the room.
I was sitting there, looking at the emptiness and silence of the room. Trying to figure what I have a done, why I am still not happy with this fairy tale happy ending. I save myself, still I feel insecure, and still I feel the darkness engulfing me. A darkness which is blissfully joyous and bright yet it’s only the surface, because beneath it, is the same hollowness which have never-ending burrow, which leads to the hell.
I remembered how I have been treated by my so called “Prince Charming”. Anish broke the engagement when he heard about the incident. The person who I suppose to trust for my entire life, left me alone when I needed him the most. It worsen my scar, the scar that was not in my mere body but in my soul. And made a mockery of my trust, left me to face this merciless world all alone.
It was Sameer who relief me from my pain, heel me to the core, loved me without any motive and stand on my side when everything was falling apart. I started crying, this time not for my misery but for the life that I fail to appreciate. I was amaze to feel the wetness of my tear. Even in the state of unseen-unheard entity my tears seem so truthful, they never tried to deceive me, even when I change the past, even when I clear off my wound and got rid of my fleshly scar.
The dilemma of choosing between a misery of flesh for calmness of soul, or fulfilment of flesh but hollowness in Soul was too much for me. I started to pray for the first time in my life, as rest of the time I use to just complain or blame.
The Gracious Almighty was very kind to me. He blessed me with an Angel, but I was blind to see, blind to appreciate, blind to fonder, blind to have Gratitude. I cried and cried till I fainted, only to wake up back in my bed. Finding Sameer beside me is simply a joy. A joy for eternity with no possible comparison or word.
I saw him, he was still in sleep. The unshaven face made him more natural and raw, he look so handsome and stress free. His eyes always have an Angelic spark, which I always failed to appreciate. But now I want to tell him everything, which was beneath my heart. And how much I am thankful to him.
“Thank you Sameer for everything, you are an Angel, whom God had send for my rescue. I love you” I whispered in his ears.
“I love you too dear and are you alright!” Sameer asked in sleepy state tone.
“Yes I am, I am more than alright.” I could feel easy, the heaviness which burden me for years has disappeared. I guess my PTSD is not going to haunt me anymore. God had blessed me. He showed me the path and enlighten me. He is magician, full of tricks. He is behind everything, yet we fail to realise this simple truth. He move Planets and Stars yet He is also merciful to grant the compassion and gratitude from mere creature like us.
I thanked God for the miracle and gave a kiss to Sameer before surrendering to the peaceful sleep.